When is a friendship over?

by Malec and Associates

Most of us want and need friendships. Wanting close and meaningful friendships is a common topic in therapy. The desire to be with people who like you and you feel comfortable with is an okay thing to want. However, there are times when the friendships we are in are not the best relationships for us. Perhaps they were never good to begin with. Sometimes friendships evolve into relationships that create strife and confusion. We can struggle with whether it is better to stay in a friendship even though it isn’t a positive connection or to terminate it and be alone. What are legitimate reasons for ending a friendship? How do we know the relationship is “bad enough”? Is it better to stay and accept questionable behavior than to spend our free time without social connections? There are questions that can help navigate this difficult situation.

• Do you hide parts of yourself away for fear of being judged? Are you afraid to talk about certain topics with your friend for fear of their reaction? Friends don’t always agree about everything; that’s not a problem. A positive friendship allows for disagreements about decisions, or for each to have different opinions on varying topics, but when those differences are viewed through a lens of judgment the relationship has become unhealthy. If you sense that your struggles with spending, for example, are looked upon with a view that you are a weak and undisciplined person, then you are more likely to avoid talking about it.
• Are you the only one who is keeping the connection going? In most relationship, there is some inequity in terms of how often each person reaches out and connects. Some people have a greater need for social connection than others and so they are more apt to call, text or ask to get together. However, when the relationship is extremely unequal. When one person is consistently and persistently making the effort, then the relationship can begin to feel very invalidating. A friendship in which you experience a type of passivity on the part of the other person when it comes to a connection, can lead to a feeling of emptiness and insecurity.
• Does the relationship feel one-sided? In many long-term relationships, there can be times when one person’s circumstances require us to put our own needs aside. A friend may be going through a tough transition at work or they may have a family member who is having health problems. The relationship may be primarily focused on the person’s need to talk through these things. However, when a friendship is only a platform for the friend to verbally process through all of their own life’s difficulties or to describe their own family’s accomplishments to a willing listener, then the relationship is no longer considered a reciprocal friendship. In circumstances where you find yourself, yet again, spending an entire evening just listening to a friend describe the latest argument with their boss, spouse, son, neighbor and the conversation never moves beyond it, it may be time to evaluate whether the relationship is really a friendship.  

Friendships are necessary and important for most of us. We want to feel we are connected to people who like us and want to be with us. It is hard sometimes to admit that a friendship is not positive and needs to end. Admitting a friendship has come to its end, allows us to let go, move on and make room for a more available and satisfying connection.