Not everyone has a close and loving family. Sadly, family dysfunction is common. Dysfunction is on a continuum with some families having a slight amount and others being extremely dysfunctional with abuse, neglect and toxicity.

A toxic family almost always “needs” fear and intimidation to maintain its grip on the members. Usually there are one or more members who have gained power over the others with the use of some elements of psychological, emotional, physical and/or mental manipulation. Some type of threat, either vailed or explicit, is embedded in their communication. Almost always the toxic member is viewed as fragile or unpredictable. To gain and hold onto power, they almost always need at least one person who enables them.

When we believe we have a toxic member(s) in the family, we must be aware of our own boundaries and the ways we communicate. Boundaries are defined as the difference between your thoughts, feelings and behaviors and someone else’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You’re responsible for your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors. You hold “the power” to decide how to use them. Toxic families attempt to “make you feel guilty/responsible” for someone else’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors. For example, if you have told people in your family that dinner is at 5pm and at 5:45pm your family member is not there. You are responsible for how you handle it. You can choose to wait. You can choose to eat. However, if you choose to wait or eat, you are not responsible for your family member’s feelings about that. They are not responsible for the choice you made (either to wait or to eat). If your family member comes in and is upset and angry you didn’t wait, YOU are not responsible for their anger. They may believe you are responsible for their feelings, but that is not true. If you choose to wait and they come in and show no signs of regret, they are not responsible for your feelings of being disrespected.

Once you own your own “power” (to choose), you must decide how to handle the reactions of your toxic family member(s). The toxic family member is not going to stop believing you are responsible for their thoughts, feelings or behaviors. Can you stay relaxed and engaged with a person who is unable to see their role in their own reactions? If so, then enjoy those interactions where there is no difference between your reaction and theirs. However, if the toxic person continues to try to “pull you into” owning their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, then you will have to create enough distance to permit you to feel relaxed and engaged. For some, the distance required is to have very limited engagement and for a few, it is terminating contact completely.

Toxic family members are hard to connect with in healthy ways. Creating healthy boundaries is essential for positive and meaningful relationships. Without boundaries, families become dysfunctional.