Parenting can be a tough and challenging journey; even the most intelligent and capable people find themselves confused about how to help their kids grow up strong and resilient.  Confusion can happen when the parent uses beliefs/attitudes or practices brought with them from childhood; believing that “it was good when I was growing up” viewpoint.  Sometimes, It can come from listening to what other parents say about what they do with their kids. Confusion can even come when trying to implement advice offered by “experts”.  How does a parent know what to do?

There are a couple of things to remember before using any [or none] of the advice listed above. The first thing to remember is “parent the kid you got”. That means you can’t parent the kid you were, the kid you thought you’d have, or even the kid the next-door neighbor has. Your kid is growing up at a different time with different societal and cultural expectations than you did. Your kid has a specific temperament and a defined set of parents. Your kid will have different peers and different experiences than the kid next door. All of these internal and external differences will impact on your kids and his/her way of relating to the world. One size does not fit all.

The next important aspect of raising resilient children is you can’t raise a child you don’t know. That may sound odd, even confusing. So often, we don’t take the time to see our children as unique individuals with their own proclivities. Our children are ever changing and yet they are developing their own personality and preferences. To really “know” our children we have to spend time observing them, talking and listening with them and learning how they relate to the world. For example, do they have a desire to jump first and ask questions later or are they more watch, learn and then try? If you offer them a new food item, do they take it and give it a try or do they immediately reject it without even being curious? Truly knowing your child, will help you parent in a way that raises a resilient child.

A child grows in maturity and resilience when they are provided “age-appropriate stress”. Age-appropriate stress is the type of situation that creates manageable distress that thwarts a child’s immediate desires and provides them with choices of how to manage it. Each child will react to stress based on who they are. Too much stress, a child becomes overwhelmed, hopeless and can give up and feel a deep sense of inadequacy. A child can become negative, giving up in the face of even a small amount of distress. With too little stress, a child becomes entitled, unwilling to wait for anything or to work for anything they want that doesn’t come easy. They can become demanding, ungrateful, and self-centered long into adulthood.  When a child is raised by parents who provide age-appropriate stress, the parent approaches the situation with a calm confidence that lets the child know the parent believes he/she can handle it. An example might be if a 11-year-old wants a new bike. The parent knows the child is very outgoing but tends to be somewhat lazy when it comes to chores. The parent may offer for the child to “earn” points towards a bike by either volunteering to help out at church in the toddler’s room or every week helping do yardwork with dad. When the child complains that “I need the bike now”, the parents offer the child the choice of using the old bike in the garage. This age-appropriate stress allows the child to struggle with his/her own immediate desires with the willingness to work hard for what he/she wants. Another child, same situation, but this child is not very outgoing is offered to earn points by reading more books, or taking more responsibility with the family pet.

Again, we want our children to grow up self-confident and able to manage the normal ups and downs of life. We want them to be resilient. We teach them by “parenting the kid you got” and then finding ways to help them navigate age-appropriate challenges throughout their childhood.