Helping kids understand themselves requires an acceptance of their emotions and feelings. We do this by “validating” their emotions. Does that mean we think their feelings/emotions are “right”? No. Validation is not agreement. How do we help our kids manage tough things in life without sending the message that if you feel like you are a loser then you are a loser? Or if you think someone doesn’t treat you fair then you should see yourself as a victim? This is where the mindful parent steps up and must remember that validation is only the beginning of a process. The process starts with “now that you feel these feelings, what do you do next?”

The goal of parenting is to create resilient adults who can navigate through the ups and downs of life remaining true to him or herself and yet being a productive and active member of a society. It is all about holding two truths at one time. You can teach them that they can feel something and yet respond in a way that goes beyond those feelings in a resilient way. You can teach them that they can respond in a way that is beneficial to them without causing negative consequences for themselves or others. You, as a parent, don’t ignore, suppress or elevate feelings. You don’t rush through the validation part, hoping to keep your child from “feeling too bad”. Feeling bad is not always bad. Feeling bad can be a motivator for some. If you teach a child that their feelings matter, but the feelings can’t be the only reason for deciding how to behave; then they learn to listen to their feelings, but then move into the thinking phase of “now what?”.

The “now what” phase is where parents get to help a child work through possible reactions and how the reaction might either make things worse or help the child cope. Without judging a response as good or bad, a parent can help a child learn to “think through a problem” instead of “feeling through a problem”.

Validating a child’s feelings doesn’t give a child “permission” to become too emotional. Validating is the first phase of helping kids accept their feelings and then move into the “now what” phase. This helps kids become more resilient. Being able to cope with the ups and downs of life is about resilience.